The Facebook Tick That Is Ruining My Life
Like millions of other folk around the world, there’s nothing I enjoy more than wasting about 2 hours of every day on Facebook.
Whether I’m debating subjects of which I have no knowledge in some vain attempt to feel self-righteous, or looking at ridiculous videos of people hurting themselves and laughing when I know I shouldn’t, Facebook is my Achilles heel.
Indeed, each time I jump on the network, I am invariably confronted with an army of posts that I swear have been deliberately crafted with the sole purpose of pissing me off. Memes that suggest things like “One like = One prayer” particularly get my goat – not to mention those which insist that if I don’t share then I am personally, irretrievably, and unforgivably not only an advocate of cancer, but in fact the bloody cause of the wretched disease.
Surely, anyone with an IQ in double figures must be aware that such things are nothing but link-farming garbage aimed at the gullible and terminally stupid. Please – I’m not alone here, am I?
Rant Over…
Phew! Now I’ve got that out of my system I can get back to the point in hand, which I promise has absolutely nothing to do with Donald Trump, immigration or terrorism…
It’s the tick.
You know the one. That little grey tick that appears to inform you that someone has read your direct message on Facebook. And while I’m sure Messrs Zuckerberg and co meant well when they invented this little feature, they clearly failed to consider the impact it would have on so many of us… well, me anyway.
So, I’ve Just Messaged You…
… And you’ve read the post.
I know you’ve read the post because the tick has appeared. But it’s five minutes later and you haven’t responded.
Another ten minutes go by. Nothing. Still no response.
Why the hell not? What have I done to offend you? Are you just not interested? Do you need time to think of something to say? Do you hate me? WHAT’S YOUR SODDING PROBLEM, JACKASS?!?!
Ok, ok. I know I’m being irrational, so I’m just going to calm myself down, do something else on Facebook for five minutes – you’re probably just busy. Oh look, Donald Trump has got his head stuck up his a….
No, I’ve got to check again…
Still nothing.
IT’S BEEN 17 MINUTES, YOU SADISTIC ARSEHOLE!!
Why are you doing this to me? I mean, what kind of twisted creature reads a Facebook message and then doesn’t reply immediately?
Most likely one with a life. Someone who isn’t sad enough to sit there on Facebook waiting for his messages to be replied to.
I know that, really. Deep, deep down I know that. It’s 2:15 in the afternoon. You’re at work. You’re busy. Everything’s cool. You’ll get back to me later.
You hate me! You’ve seen my message and you haven’t replied! It’s been 23 minutes and that’s the only logical explanation.
Right, mate – sod you, then. If you’re not going to reply to my message, then I’m gonna unfriend you. Ha! How will you like that, you sick lizard? In fact, I’m going to block you….. just right after I’ve checked one last time to see if you’re typing….
It’s Exhausting!!
Seriously – that’s how my mind works. And, even though I’m very much aware that it’s more of a reflection on my own insecurities than anyone else’s commitment courtesy or punctuality, it makes no difference whatsoever.
If you don’t reply the instant that little tick appears, I go insane.
The Other End Of The Tick…
But here’s is the really crazy part – when the shoe is on the other foot, I hate that bloody tick for a whole new set of reasons…
So, you’ve messaged me. And, being me, I’ve opened your message. But I’m very busy with work and can’t get tied down with a Facebook chat for another few hours at least – so I’ll come back to you later.
But now I feel bad.
I know you know I’ve read your message and that you’ve got one of those little grey ticks in the corner of your message… and it’s just about to start doing you head in.
If I don’t respond immediately, you’ll think I’m being rude. You’ll think I hate you. You might start to hate me.
But perhaps you’re not as insecure about this stuff as I am. But, then again, maybe you are, and you’re sitting at home right now loading up the shotgun ready to come and hunt me down.
Perhaps I should reply – but I don’t have the time!!
MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL DO I DO???
Is there some kind of cultural protocol on this? An accepted amount of time that is reasonable before you must respond?
I’ve watched every episode of the Big Bang Theory, but this excruciating dilemma has never come up – and so, naturally, I’m stumped.
I’ve messaged a friend who has a degree in sociology to see if there’s any answers in the glorious realms of academia. He hasn’t responded yet. Even though I know he read the sodding message at 4.27 yesterday.
I need help.
Now whether that help should come in the form of an official set of “tick rules” on Facebook or another visit to my therapist, I just don’t know. Perhaps someone can fill me in – or at least point me in the right direction.
All I do know is this. If you are deeply troubled by the Facebook message tick, please take the time to share this post.
Remember: One like = one prayer.
97% of my Facebook friends won’t share this post. But the ones who want to make some kind of crap, sanctimonious and inflated statement about themselves and their benevolence, thinking that they can change the world without actually doing anything productive, will. Especially as I have added a cat meme beneath and a load of utterly uninspiring toss by way of an image in the middle.
Continue reading here: What if the Biggest Threat to Your Company Is Sitting next to You?
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